When “Just Breathe” Isn’t Enough

We’ve all said it.
We’ve all heard it.

“Just breathe.”

It’s meant with care — a simple cue to slow down when emotions spike. But here’s the truth: breathing alone doesn’t always reach the root of what’s happening inside us.

When someone’s stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed, their nervous system is sending a signal — a flare in the dark — that says something needs attention.

Telling them to “just breathe” can feel like saying, quiet the alarm, but don’t check for fire.

The Truth About “Just Breathe”

When we’re in stress mode, the amygdala (our brain’s threat detector) floods the system with cortisol and adrenaline.
Breathing techniques can slow that reaction — but only if the prefrontal cortex (the logic and regulation center) stays online.

Here’s the catch:
If we never name what we’re feeling, the prefrontal cortex doesn’t fully re-engage.
We stay in a low-level threat state — calm on the surface, but tight underneath.

So yes, breathe.
But then — name. trace. understand.

Why Naming Emotions Changes the Brain

Neuroscientist Matthew Lieberman calls this process “affect labeling.”

His research shows that when we name an emotion — even something as simple as saying “I feel anxious” — the amygdala’s activity drops, and the right ventrolateral prefrontal cortex lights up.

In other words:
Labeling emotion is like hitting the dimmer switch on your fear response.

Neuroscience Tip:
Next time you feel activated, try saying out loud:

If you want to take it one step further, take a note from my Irish friends.

In Irish, you don’t feel an emotion — you have it on you.

You might hear someone say:

Or:

It’s such a subtle but powerful difference.

In English, we say I am sad or I am angry — as if the emotion defines us.
In Irish, emotion is something that moves through you, not something you are.

That simple linguistic shift creates space.
It tells the nervous system: This feeling is visiting, not taking over.

The key is specificity.
Your brain can’t regulate what it can’t recognize.

Tracing the Source: The Hidden Power of Curiosity

After naming the emotion, trace it.
Ask: Where is this coming from?
Sometimes stress is about the task. Other times it’s about identity — feeling unseen, unappreciated, or powerless.

Curiosity re-engages the prefrontal cortex.
It transforms the brain from defending to exploring, from reacting to reasoning.

This is what emotional intelligence is at its core, not suppressing emotion, but getting closer to an emotion until it loses its grip.

What We Can Do as Leaders

When someone on your team is overwhelmed, resist the urge to say, “Just breathe.”
Instead, guide them toward naming and tracing what’s really going on.

Here’s how:

1. Create Emotional Pause Points

Instead of rushing to fix, invite reflection.

• Ask: “What’s the emotion underneath the pressure right now?”

• Model it yourself: “I can feel my frustration rising — I need to slow down before I react.”

• Normalize talking about emotions as data, not drama.

Neuroscience Tip:
This kind of reflection activates the anterior cingulate cortex, which integrates emotional and rational information — literally helping the brain make wiser decisions under stress.

2. Use Curiosity as a Regulator

Replace “Calm down” with “Help me understand what’s feeling hardest right now.”

• Curiosity signals safety to the nervous system.

• It shifts both people out of defensiveness.

• It builds trust through empathy, not control.

Neuroscience Tip:
Curiosity increases oxytocin — the bonding hormone — which counteracts cortisol’s stress response and restores connection.

3. Build a Language of Emotion in Your Team

Engineers, especially, benefit from naming emotions as part of problem-solving — it builds emotional precision and clarity.

• Introduce short “emotion check-ins” at retrospectives.

• Share a simple feeling wheel or emotion vocabulary tool.

• Treat emotions as inputs to system performance.

Neuroscience Tip:
Emotion labeling strengthens neural integration — the brain’s ability to link logic and emotion — which is the foundation of effective communication and decision-making.

The Bigger Truth

Breathing is the start.
But emotional intelligence is what finishes the cycle.
When we breathe and name and trace, we help the nervous system feel seen.

Because at the heart of every strong leader isn’t someone who can stay calm no matter what —
It’s someone who knows how to meet emotion with curiosity instead of control.

Try this this week:

When you or someone on your team feels tense, replace “Just breathe” with:

You’ll be surprised how quickly the room shifts.

Stay tuned:
Next week, we’ll unpack how teams can use emotional mapping to turn tense moments into sources of innovation — not friction.

If you’re new here, follow along or book a short call to explore how emotional intelligence can transform your engineering culture from reactive to responsive!